dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
