wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think your dad took our porno
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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