Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
