and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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