one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
