I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
