you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
