the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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