Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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