I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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