Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
