he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
