sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize