Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
