Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
