1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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