Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
