Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
