this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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