just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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