No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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