theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize