she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
