the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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