i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
