theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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