Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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