Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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