she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
