I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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