I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize