God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
