My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
