I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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