i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
