did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
