This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
