cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
