ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
