Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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