Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
