omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
