i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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