If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
