i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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