All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This is the high leading the old right now
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
