booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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