The maid of honor just puked.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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