Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
