my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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