Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
