i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
