I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You've changed since you got that strap on
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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