i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
