if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
