please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We left the knife in your bed.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
