this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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