If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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