she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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